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” We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year”

Well, so far there ain’t to much to be happy about in the new year of twenty ten and we are only two weeks into it. This will be the year that Haiti would like to forget, and they have had many a shit year in their tumultuous history. The Tote  (iconic music pub) in Collingwood is due to shut up shop for ever and a day within the next 24hrs! Such has been the out pouring of grief from punters and musicians alike that I reckon a support group will be established to nurse the emotional casualties through the next few months of their involuntary detox.

So, what does the rest of the year have in store for us Earthlings?

"I can see strange things......."

Here are my predictions for the year ahead…

  • Something big bad and nasty will happen on US soil. Possibly an earthquake in California or a prominent political assassination.
  • Absolutely everything will be in 3D. This includes porn, advertisements, radio shows, mobile phones and obesity.
  • The World Cup due to be held in South Africa later this year will be an unmitigated disaster. The Irish team will be glad that they didn’t qualify.
  • Swine ‘flu will be replaced with feline ‘flu. The lid will be blown on the scare tactics used by pharmaceutical companies to sell vaccines that don’t really do anything worthwhile. The wholesale slaughter of household moggies will incite riots in all the pet loving countries of the world.
  • Haiti will get levelled again by the nastiest run of hurricanes ever to hit the island of Hispaniola.
  • Tornadoes will dance the tango up and down the midwest of America.
  • Silvio Berlusconi will be ousted from power as a result of tarot card readings and under done pasta.
  • Amazing things will be found where once were metres of ancient ice.
  • Israel will build a roof over Gaza and the West Bank before burying them in dirt and then proclaim that they just disappeared from sight one morning and are completely innocent of any wrong doing. This will quite naturally set off a huge shit fight in the area.
  • Vladimir Putin will have a sex change and rename herself Polly Putin, Queen of Russia.
  • Nothing will happen in New Zealand. Or Norway.
  • Just when Ireland thought things couldn’t get any worse a huge rock from the heavens will splash down off the coast of Mayo thus releasing a tsunami of biblical proportions which will flood the already flooded west coast of Ireland. Fortunately no lives will be lost because “Jedward” play a series of gigs in Croke park which are sold out amid scenes of mass hysteria and civil unrest.
  • Fast Food will officially be renamed ‘Fat Food’.
  • Tiger Woods will open up a Brothel and Strip Club in Nevada to huge public outcry but massive financial gain.
  • Aliens will take over North Korea, they might have already done this, and nobody will notice the difference.
  • Aliens will take over Switzerland, they might have already done this, and nobody will notice the difference apart from Roman Polanski.
  • Lady GaGa will have an affair with the Obamas.

The old crystal ball is getting a bit warm now so I’d better let it cool down for a while.

It looks like it’s going to be an exciting year so I’d step right up and buy some ringside seats while they are available.