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Isn’t that what the very annoying kid from King of the Hill said. I could be mistaken as it was not on my viewing list but popular culture would seem to indicate that that is the  origin of the phrase. I am open to correction. The phrase has since become  the catch cry of sexist pigs around the world and often elicits sniggers and whimpers alike in the audience.

Why am I on this subject I hear you ask?

The answer is thus; in my latest incarnation as a stainless steel and commercial kitchen appliance salesman I have had the pleasure of attending a few product demonstrations. It was at one such demonstration of a ‘combi oven’ several weeks ago that I was astonished to be told that the acid test for a combi oven is if it can cook a toasted ham and cheese, and possibly tomato too, sandwich. Apparently this originated in the nursing homes of the world where the decrepit residents are treated to supper snacks in the form of a toastie. It can take quite some time to cook 100 rounds of ham and cheese toasted sambos under a grill or even in a specialised sandwich maker, trust me I know this from experience, so an alternative way was always quested after. I had the pleasure of tasting such a snack at the demonstration and went away truly satisfied that a $28,000 piece of machinery is judged by its ability to cook something that an 8 year can do at home.

If only the Earl of Sandwich or John Montague, if we are to use his birth name, were alive today to see how his creation has become the yardstick for gastronomic technology and ability.

The downside to this particular piece of machinery is that it is unable to do pancakes! Pancakes I ask you. The very things that I first learnt to cook when I was knee high to a wooden spoon all those years ago. For those of you not au fait with the latest in cuisine machinery I would suggest you take a trip over here http://www.rational-online.com/CA_en/products/selfcooking-center/features/

Why is this subject blogworthy I hear you ask?

Follow me and you’ll find out whether you like it or not. This afternoon I was at another such demonstration somewhere down Springvale road which turned out to be the most professional one so far. The food however was less than outstanding apart from one tasty morsel of information. The appliance being demonstrated was a conveyor oven  http://www.turbochef.com/commercial/site.php?PAGE_TYPE=PRODUCTS&nav_id=17&page_id=94 unlike no other. I was truly amazed by the sales spiel until our old friend the ‘ham and cheese toasted sandwich’ weighed in to the demonstration. The chef demonstrator took great pains to tell us just how well this space aged, dual belted, impinged air featuring conveyor pizza oven could cook to perfection endless rounds of toasted sambos. It only took a minute and a half per sambo! That is true instant munchy satisfaction heaven. And not bad for $20,000 or so.

I found it hard to take the demonstrator seriously because of his pointy patent leather brothel creepers.

Jaffles, toasties call them what you will but just remember that they belong to an illustrious and calorific family of culinary snacks deserving of true reverence and respect. Just about anything you care to suggest can be sandwiched between two slices of bread and raised to a satisfactory epicurean state merely via the addition of heat. You can fry ‘em in full fat butter a la King. That’s Elvis style. With ham and cheese for the Croque Monsieur in you. Grilled with Red Leicester cheese and hot as hell mustard for the Pommie in you. Sing as you add some sauce and make it Welsh or deep fry it in batter for the Scotsman.

I’m sure there is a variation on the theme for every day of the year and then some, so whatever melts your cheese or toasts your loaf make you sure you celebrate International Toasted Cheese Sandwich Month every April. Just think of Easter and crucifixion and you’ll surely not forget to whip up some Tasty cheese and Vegemite toasties.

It’s the least you could do to honour the memory our dearly departed Cheesus of Nazareth .

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