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With the weather the way it is now, wintery, why not nip down to the local organic grocer on your trendy fixer bike with you horn rimmed glasses and vegan drainpipe pants and pick up some humble spuds. Oh shit, I’m sorry. I forgot that you are all on you way to Berlin because Swellbourne is just too fucking trendy now and you are just like totally sick of gourmet coffee and labna with dukka sprinkles. Infact, Swellbourne is just so full to the laneways with coolsies and groovers that you can’t see the daylight for all the black fucking fringes and winkle pickers.

If however you are one of those long suffering never to be trendy types, and let’s be honest here; it is the new black, that can cook and might be a tad ethnic let me suggest a nice night in around the deep fat( oops I nearly typed FRAT) fryer and some similarly aspirant un cool coolsies-henceforth to be called ‘foolsies’.

Oh no I hear you cry!

Chips. As they are known in the northern hemisphere are actually high in vitamin c. Well the potatoes are anyway. What happens after you drench them in duck fat and cheap tomato sauce is anybody’s guess. To ask for hot chips in Pomme de Terre land would be akin to asking for wet beer down Young & Jackson’s. You have been warned!

I excavated this recipe from the mighty annals of The Guardian Newspaper. Yeah, you know. The type of newspaper that actually has real journalists writing articles instead of coolsie fucks with family connections learning how to use spellcheck. It is a mighty recipe, as mighty as the mighty Mark Latham recipe for disaster that is his tele-journo career.

If anybody has a loose chip on his shoulder(excluding yours forever truly) it is his mighty biffo-ness.

‘Enough! Enough of your bullish and acid words’ I hear you cry.

I shall move on to more starchy matters without further a peel and let you be the judge of the fruits of your own heart stopping labour.

Here is the recipe in all its greasy glory and before you ask if you can substitute dead animal fat with rice bran oil the answer is….FUCK OFF TO BERLIN!

200g Maris Piper(a type of spud) per person(not a coolsie)

Dripping or other animal fat, to cook (enough to half-fill your pan when melted). I like a 33:33:33 mix of duck, bacon and goose fats in that order. The missing one percent can be filled with cholesterol free extra prepubescent virgin olive oil because it is just so good for you.

You’ll need a cooking thermometer, or electric deep fat fryer for this recipe.

• Peel your potatoes and cut into chips – approximately 1cm for thick-cut chips, half that for thinner ones. Rinse well under cold water, then drain(you can be generous with the water and let the tap run a bit because the drought is over and you need to wash out some of the starch)

A RAW CHIP.

• Put the chips into a pan of cold, salted water, and bring to the boil. Turn down the heat, and simmer until just soft to the point of a knife.

• Drain, pat dry(a quick grope is allowed at this tender stage) and allow to cool, then put in the fridge until cold.

• Heat your fat to 120C, and add the chips. Don’t overcrowd(think Alia on a Saturday night) the pan. Blanch for about five minutes until cooked through but not coloured(I’m not being racist but they gotta be WHITE and not choco coloured because the worde ‘blanche’ comes from the French for, yep you guessed it AL-fucking-BINO)

• Remove, drain, pat dry(no touch ups allowed), and refrigerate.

• When you’re ready to eat the klingons off a bulldykes arse through a prickly bush, heat the fat to 160C and add the chips. Cook until crisp and golden, then remove, drain, season and serve immediately to your vegan friends and tell them that you cooked them in mock duck fat, yeah just like that non-meat shit they serve in coolsie vegan pubs.

Are you a pommes allumettes or a chunky chip(read hunky hip if you have a vitamin C deficiency)  person – and can you make better chuppies(as the bloody Kiwis say) than your local chinese chippie? Do good chips always have to be fried(fuck yeah!), and if so, what in? And finally: ketchup, vinegar – or mayo?

All fucking three if you ask me!

If you have any Chas’n’Dave records this is the time to dust off the dandruff and whack’em on your turning table.

For the unadulterated and less fun recipe follow the link, if it works, below:

via How to fry perfect chips | Life and style | The Guardian.

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