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My glorious return to the caffeine stained environs of Melbourne after a brief trip up north has been tempered by the insidious nature of Mother Nature.  She has played a trump card on my whole hand of duds, I have reason to suspect that the deck is loaded. Let me explain myself and put you right in the picture: we flew to Byron Bay(Ballina) less than two weeks ago and narrowly avoided Noah’s Ark on the runway before making our way to Byron itself. The aim was to worship the sun star and get a bit of colour on our alabaster hides. What actually eventuated was a week of precipitation induced couch lethargy with added bed bugs before a decision was made to go sun seeking and drive the 1,600kms home. That’s when the sun came out, went in, came out and then just gave up the ghost and fucked right off.

Beach combing treasure.

We encountered a Big Banana, some lighthouses, essential roadkill, fat locals, chips, Jesus, scones, a superannuated petrol bowser and a welcome storm in Sydney. I will try and condense the whole trip into a pictorial rant as I just can’t string a sentence together in my present state:

The 5 rain free minutes at Byron Bay captured for posterity.

Jealous cyclists and a stainless steel three wheeler.

Left Coolangatta airport around lunchtime in a rental car with bells-whistles and cruise control when the sun was still being shy, stopped for lunch somewhere with chips, still raining, tried whale watching but ended up spotting fat Australians eating chips, saw the Big Banana at Coffs Harbour in the rain, reached Port Macquarie and stayed at a motel. Had some chips with fish at the ‘tavern’ next door. Sunny the next day.

Kept driving towards Sydney with a few stops to rejoice in the sun, chips and fat Australians. Noticed way too many religious signs and said a prayer. I prayed for an end to this New Australia with American styled religions and American influenced obesity.  As a cynical atheist am I allowed to pray for an end to religion? Will it do any good? Will baby Jesus listen to my heresy? What am I talking about?

Port Macquarie in the morning.

Saw a nice lighthouse and the evidence of whales on the horizon. Saw the big Sheep too. Somebody should build a Big Chip. Arrived in Sydney, didn’t get lost, noticed the people weren’t fat anymore, had pizza for dinner instead of chips, went over the bridge then fell asleep without any bed bugs for company.

Now you know what bowsers are made off.

Walked around Surrey Hills and Paddington, found a wedding ring then gave it back, went for drinks with a friend and listened to the storm terrorise the evening streets. Left for Melbourne and didn’t stop.

Enormous white sea monster from space attacks Sydney Harbour while tourists take crooked pictures.

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