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A recent article in Ireland’s Independent newspaper would have you believe that the land of saints and scholars is home to hordes of coke sniffing, pot smoking ne’er do-wells. Apparently the Irish give the rest of Europe a decent run for their drug money when it comes to the recreational narcotics.

And there’s me thinking that all the Irish had to do was turn off the stout taps, castrate a few priests and repay a few billion Euro on behalf of the banks and property traitors. Well, if only things were that plain.  Instead of hangovers paralyzing the work force they now have ‘cokeovers’ and bankruptcy to contend with.

Ah sure it’s all just grand as long as you have a joint to numb the pain with and apparently that is what 25% of the population have admitted to doing. I’d love to know who answers these surveys and where they are collected from. Methinks these hard working data collectors don’t leave D4 unless they’re off to the airport!

The article then goes on to include a video report preceded by an extensive advertisement for….yes you guessed it…the historically preferred drug of choice of the Hibernians…booze, beautifully bubbly booze and lots of it. According to the video report Ireland’s drug use is actually decreasing! How can that be so? One minute they’re snorting coke like they’re bulls at the town fair ready to mount some young prize heifer and the next they’re back to being paragons of pioneering virtue. Perhaps the long suffering journo is on drugs and can’t make up his or her mind?

Cocaine! Never heard of it.

Cocaine! Never heard of it.

You know, the funny thing about all of this is that nothing has really changed in 30 years or so apart from the Irish are now doing the drugs that pass through the country where as in the old days half of Europe’s illegal drugs were smuggled through Ireland thanks to the accessible coastline and the diminutive presence of two converted mackerel trawlers used by the coastguard to patrol and protect the Emerald Isle’s verdant coastline.

The drugs  would come through Ireland from somewhere dead tropical and exotic then the provos took their cut and off they went to penthouse apartments on the continent full of heads gagging for a line and a yoke. In those days the poor sufferin’ Paddy only had a few potatoes to rub together and the only white stuff on their noses was the cream from a pint of Uncle Arthur’s finest.

Sure, I remember the whole of Ireland being awash with a rainbow of coloured ‘Leb’ and plenty of ‘horse’ to boot but now the Irish can hold their heads up high above the mountains of coke and ecstasy dotted around the country and be proud of their superior habits(insert religious gag here).

Me thinks a St Patrick of the ages(I hope he ain’t Welsh this time!) is needed to drive the snorting serpents of vice out of Old Hibernia before things get out of hand and they start growing the ‘coke’ down there in the Golden Vale.

Anything is possible with global warming don’t ya know!