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In the last few days I’ve bolted the door, stockpiled hot water bottles and cranked the heating thus increasing my consumption of oil, water and energy in general. I have also seen a few documentaries too and will now prattle on ad nauseam and see if anybody notices.

My favourite so far would have to be ‘Tapped’. A great story about the bottled water industry and everything that spins off from it like shit flying off a spinning fan that’s been hit. I will say first and foremost that I have always had a problem with bottled water and the price that goes with it. When I was growing up Perrier was all the rage but only amongst Frenchies and the celebs who lingered down around the south of France. I liked the bottle, I loved the name but just couldn’t stomach the contents without a dash of lemon cordial or something. An old chef friend of mine used to make his signature vegetable dish of Carrots d’Evian out of sliced carrots boiled in Evian spring water.  That made me laugh because sometimes he’d have to water down the Evian with l’eau de robinet(tap water) if stocks were low. Nobody ever noticed which made me laugh even more.


Anyway, I’m digressing down that dangerous path of kitchen reverie so I’d better get back to the dull road of purposeful intent quick smart. I do hereby promise to disown anybody from my stable of friends should I find out that they regularly buy bottled water in plastic bottles. Not only is there no regulation as to the content of the water but the plastic aint so good for you neither and why pay a few dollars for something that tastes like clean bath water? You should at least buy some chocolate milk or, heaven forbid, the Devil’s blood that is Coca Cola because they’ve actually had to make something before selling it to you for $3. I could go on but watch the doco, it’s a few years old by now but it’s still incredibly relevant.

Everything to do with bottled water is wrong. So fucking wrong. Turn on the tap and enjoy your fluoride like a good little consumer. Better to save the planet than worry about (alleged)dental decay and (alleged)mass population control I suppose.

Next up on the platter of barely digestible brain food is ‘The world according to Monsanto.’


I find it very hard to believe that a such a deathly black stain of evil like Monsanto is allowed to operate in the world’s foremost democracy and land of the free etc. Monsanto kind of reminds me of the nasty deformed sibling that is kept in the attic away from the prying eyes of the neighbourly public, or the horribly evil and deformed uncle who controls the world from an underground mess room with the full permission of the grown-ups upstairs. The grown-ups who know full well that if uncle homunculus is allowed to continue on his sinister path all will eventually be lost, the world that mother nature spent so long artfully creating will end up a tangled net of absolute bollocks, no use to anybody and best not spoken about neither, lest anybody get all preachy.

I reckon the parents of this basement monstrosity are too scared to call the authorities or do anything about it themselves but secretly they are terrified of the eventual outcome and are  waiting for Ghostbusters to come along and rid them of their guilty secret before the whole festering mess turns into a Pandora’s box of genetic shit in the bed.

Monsanto appear to be, no wait a God damn DNA second here, they are the most evil thing on the planet. How did they get so? I reckon they’ve got the dirtiest amateur porn collection in the world. I can see an army of gumshoe shonks out there filming every late night shenanigan of every prominently placed politician and civil servant on this planet. I can picture the scenario clearly; an anaemic looking pen pusher in a nondescript glass office high above the city presses a button on his phone and an obsequious voice answers…

O.V.(that’s ‘obsequious voice’ if you hadn’t figured it out) ‘yes sir, what can I do for you today?’

S.S.(son of Satan)  ‘Mmm…what do we have on the president of Thirdworldistan? Something juicy I hope, I need to get our latest product into their food chain.’

O.V. ‘ Oh yes sir, I have him in a menage a trois with Germaine Greer and George Bush’s wife Barbara. It’s a lovely movie with excellent cinematography and high production values. I don’t think we’ll have a problem with the box office on this one sir.’

S.S. ‘ Oh Barbara, she really has served us well  these past years and who’d have known that she’s Aleister Crowley’s love child?’

We’ve all hear about six degrees of Kevin Bacon separation well how about 6 (with two silent 6’s so it looks like this 666) degrees of Satanic Monsanto separation. How far do you have to walk before you stand on or eat something that took hundreds of scientists an awful long time to genetically fuck up?

Ah fuck it, there I go again going off on a tangent. Is a tangent a genetically modified tangerine by any chance? The point is I started to watch ‘The World according to Monsanto’ and quickly got bogged down in the overall Frenchiness of the film. Yes it’s true, the French make docos where two people talk about shit in a room and nothing else. If ever a serious topic needed some sex and spin then this is it. I fell asleep after half a dozen chromosomes.

At the end of the day, or if Monsanto get their way we’ll be saying ‘at the end of the earth as we know it’, we is all fucked because their demon seeds have been ejaculated all over the fertile soils of this blue world and will no doubt take root and then begin to strangle the rightful crops of the land.

Now, let’s not forget the thorn in the side of the powers that be, old Assange. Our favourite embassy lodger has not been very busy of late but there are kind hearted people out there working on his behalf and they have turned out a documentary on wikileaks.


‘We steal secrets; the story of wikileaks’ is an unbelievably sneaky attempt to label Assange, Manning, Snowden and Wikileaks as thieves. And what do we do with thieves? Prosecute them, find them guilty, lock ’em up and throw away the keys of course.

‘We steal secrets…’ is not sanctioned by Wikileaks, contains no new interviews with Messrs Manning and Assange, just stock footage, and could be said to be an attempt to discolour their populist credentials.

Now, I must admit that I am no better than the crazy religious types who condemn any film depicting Jesus as a swinger or free loving hippy without actually seeing the evidence. I have not seen this film as I have not read a Guardian review of it yet and I doubt that I will any time soon.

The whole stink that is the NSA/Snowden scandal has reached new heights of daftness with the Yanks charging Snowden with espionage when all he did was highlight the state sanctioned global espionage of the Obama(really just Cheney with a tan) administration. They then cancel his passport and demand that he not be allowed to travel anywhere unless it leads to the cell with his name on the door somewhere in Arlington.

Isn’t it amazing that the Yanks and the Poms can fly guys around the world for a nice bit of waterboarding or ultra violence at the drop of a hat but as soon as somebody else wants to do it…….and I wonder, do they stamp the passports of the rendered suspects as they pass through Egypt, Pakistan, Romania etc? Do/did they get frequent flyer miles too? A duty free allowance?

I think I’ve given myself a headache…time to watch True Blood.