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Not sure where to start with this blog post, not sure what is real or CGI anymore.

How about 35 years. Yes-sir-eee, that’s the amount of time that poor Bradley Manning is destined to spend in the clink unless he gets early parole or somebody comes along and pardons him or her as the case may be.

Yup, the whole wikileaks affair has finally entered the outer limits of mondo bizarro world courtesy of Mr Bradley Manning disclosing, because that is what got him into this mess in the first place, his desire to become Ms Chelsea Manning. Some people have unkindly suggested that this was just a campaign led by the Feds to finally discredit the poor soul before they send him off to the ninth circle of hell. However, this is not the case. Bradley’s history is a painful one and in brief this is what happened.



His father, Brian Manning, met his mother, Susan Fox, while he was stationed in Wales while on military duty. They got married and moved to Oklahoma. Both parents were fond of the gargle and Bradley’s mother drank continually while pregnant so he was born with some effects of foetal alcohol syndrome. His mother attempted suicide and was still on the hooch. They moved back to Wales leaving his older sister with her father because we all know the Welsh don’t travel well.

He was bullied in Wales as he had been in the states. He was effeminate and ‘petite’ for his age and was openly gay for some time. At his father’s request he signed up for the Army in the hope of getting a decent education. Again he was bullied and nearly discharged but eventually found a nook for himself in some intelligence snooping department. At this stage Bradley started making friends in the hacking community.

So, off to Iraq he goes and that is where the whole wikileaks affair comes alive. All was going well until he was dobbed in by another hacker with who he had confided his sexuality to and his desire to be Chelsea. Some would say that Bradley was sick of living a lie(internal conflict) and couldn’t stomach the lie that the American Military Machine was propagating(external conflict) so he blew the lid on the whole God damn stinking tin of festering shit beans as if to cleanse himself and come ‘out’ as Chelsea.

You gotta have some sympathy for this lady: crap pregnancy, worse childhood and then to receive a prison term more severe than than all the combined sentences of the thugs involved in Abu Graib and the GFC combined. She didn’t even kill any one or steal any money!

I wish her the best of luck and hope she does get pardoned and can at some stage in the not too distant future have a fair go at a decent life and enjoy a bottle of Chardonnay with friends and laugh it all off.

Now, what can that old rogue Vlad the Regaler be thinking about this latest turn of events, especially considering The Kremlin’s stance on sexual deviancy?  I reckon he’s laughing his borsch off and hoping that Snowy doesn’t start exhibiting the same tendencies or else he’ll be booted out of the Soviets tout de suite!

Meanwhile back in Blighty the Godfather of all things leaky, the blonde Assange, is going a bit stir crazy. He’s been saying some daft things lately and is also trying to get elected to the Australian Senate. ‘Good luck matey’ is all I’ll say on that matter. He obviously is way out of touch with the average Australian voter who only cares about keeping the refugees out and their mortgage repayments down.

Interestingly enough Assange had some childhood issues(absent father syndrome) I wonder was Snowy similarly affected?

But wait, the real shit freezing news is that everyone’s favourite orphan, Batman, who has similar childhood damage issues is to be played by none other than Ben Affleck. The internet has been in a festering state of opprobrium since this story broke and already there are countless internet campaigns to have him dishonourably discharged from active super hero duty. Who can forget  his tissue breaking performance as Daredevil some years ago? I can’t even remember it because it sank to the bottom of the Mariana Trench along with Gigli and never made it to Australia.

I'm so hard!

I’m so hard!

Just recently I watched Hollywoodland starring Ben Affleck as George Reeves, yup you guessed it, the original Superman. Christ on a bike, it was truly God awful. Ben just doesn’t have a nasty mean bone in his body but you’d better ask Jennifer Garner(his wife) for a definitive answer on that.

Personally I’d get rid of Zack Snyder(director) if I could, and insert Peter Dinklage as Bats and Werner Herzog to direct with Nicholas Winding Refn and Lars Von Triers as back up or assistant directors.

Isn't he cute

Isn’t he cute

I’d also get Jon Hamm to don the red and blue underwear flying around the city dispensing bottles of booze and inciting all sorts of reefer madness.

My kind of Superman.

My kind of Superhamm.

And just to top it all of how about a nice bit of Latino eye candy in the shape of the truly womanly and adorable Penelope Cruz.

Isn't she adorable!

Isn’t she adorable!

But, at the end of the cliche ridden day anything can happen. Remember when Michael Keaton got the gig as Bats? Yeah, everybody said ‘no way’ but then Tim Burton worked some magic and he turned out to be the best Batman for quite some time. Who remembers George Clooney and Val Kilmer donning the Bat costume?

As the BBC’s Mark Kermode put it; the only qualification for the role of Batman from an actor’s point of view is having a sizeable chin and he may be right  but I reckon Ben has a glass jaw and won’t last the distance. I hope to be proven wrong, for all our sakes.