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Designer, style guru, rap muse and film director Tom Ford has given us his 15 commandments of sartorial, physical and mental must haves. I reckon he gets off to a good start but falters along the way.

20130910-003306Let’s take it from the top;

1 Goes without saying really but you’d be surprised how many people didn’t receive the DNA coding for a funny bone.

2 This is old school. After waking from a night of snoring and sweaty dreams most men used to head for the toilet and relax their bowels while reading yesterday’s paper, and sometimes using it in place of loo roll. Smart phones and smart pads have nearly made newspapers a thing of the past and the journalism is so shit these days you just won’t believe what goes to print. But a good knowledge of world events is essential for any man of the world.

3 Life is sport of a sort. Most men give up sports upon leaving school and entering the workforce preferring to make sport at work and work out at the bar. Still, pool and darts are sports of sorts but wouldn’t it sound way cooler if you could say that you’re a champion steeplechaser or much admired pigeon fancier?

4 I can confess that I have gone for extended periods without a tweezers in my make up bag. The reason being I’ve generally used them for deboning salmon sides and extracting the most from my stash.

5 Rum and smoke has been my signature aroma for years now and I’m not about to change although I will concede that tiger balm is a good fresher for those hot days when you can’t drink or smoke.

6 Most men would struggle to own a well cut anything after being circumcised let  alone a $3,000 suit but point taken.

7 Doc Marten’s are classic lace ups aren’t they?  Another valid point here from Tom. I found an old pair of fashion shoes at the charity store some time back. They fitted my slender feet like a cop at a riot. The only problem was their awful white/grey/silver colour scheme which wasn’t a problem for long once I’d sprayed them with some gloss black Hammerite.

8 Blazers are so… I don’t know but what I think our Tom means is an iBlazer with bluetooth and touch screen controls.

9 Is their such a thing as a perfect dark pair of jeans? Possibly if you spend stupid designer money on them. I’ll settle for no brand cheapies.

10 Well hold on a second there Mr Ford. ‘Lots of crisp white shirts’? Really? Are we talking Immelda Marcos lots or two or three whiteys?

11 Most men are an embarrassment in the socks and jocks departments. Valid point though Tom because you never know when you might get run down by a bus.

12 These are for hiring or perhaps a tuxedo shirt will suffice which are way cheaper and can be washed warm and soapy.

13 Watches are so yesterday. Smart watches are the way ahead.

14 Elton John had what he would have called perfect sunglasses at the time, but now?  It’s all a matter of taste and time.

15 It’s off to Thailand for some perfect teeth, a new suit, some cheap designer undies, perfect sunnies, silk tuxedo and the rest. In fact I would suggest that this whole list, bar number one, can be bought on the streets of Bangkok for a fraction of the price at home. So, I would add a trip to Bangkok to Tom’s list of must haves for the men.