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In a bat shit crazy world like ours what can be done to make it all so much easier to get out of bed with a smile on one’s dial and greet the world with expectant joy rather than fearful anxiety and a wobbly arse? Well, I’ve given it a wee bit of thought, as I am known to do, and have come up with these totally rational solutions to our most pressing problems.

1-Global warming. The planet is not that different to one of them thar fancy fridges the 1%ers have. You know the type I mean: ice cube maker, crisper section, hot box etc. Well, Planet Earth is much the same so the logical way to cool things down is to turn up the dial beside the light. It works for me all the time. The dial for Planet Earth is located under the old Leyland factory in East Chorley in England.

2-Over Population. Now here’s a quare one. We are now seven plus billion bipedal munchkins schlepping around on the planet’s crust, which I reckon is just a tad too many. This is easily proven by the lack of affordable housing world wide. I do not call working for 40 years to pay off a mortgage affordable. So if we get rid of a cool billion or so it should only take 20 years to own that nice house. My idea is that we genetically modify the Ebola virus to only infect and kill people who have ‘outy’ belly buttons or religious and political extremists.

Ewwwww, gross.

Ewwwww, gross.

3-The Middle East. This is the easiest one of them all. Quit simply treat them like little children and ignore them. Yup. Don’t go there, don’t listen to them, don’t give them money to keep them quiet and most importantly of all delete all reference to The Middle east from anything that was ever written or posted on Reddit. They will soon learn, calm down and sleep off their tantrums just before supper.

4-The 1%ers. Start calling them the something less elitist, like ‘the selfish c*nts’ or ‘specky four eyes’. Nobody ever liked being called that when I was a kid in school. And let’s face it, they’re all acting like kids.

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5-Democracy. It just doesn’t work unless you have bags of cash or are a politician on your way to making bags of cash and people only vote for whoever promises them bags of cash. Let’s get rid of the two party system and replace it with something that Edward de Bono might come up with. Anything is better than one fat cat calling another fat cat a liar or worse, a man of the people.

6-Capitalism. What will be left to sell when everything is gone? Probably those horrible green wine gums or kettles that don’t boil. We invented money and shit so why can’t we un-invent it? Capitalism should only extend up to cars, jet skis, yachts and fancy bespoke suits. After that everything should be provided by the state in return for your dreams.

7-Religion. Not much can be done here because if we were to send religion back to the manufacturer for being unfit for purpose we would only go and buy another one on eBay, or a law could be passed prohibiting anybody speaking about religion unless you happen to be in a toilet by yourself reading ‘The Life of Brian’.

8-Reality TV. Rebrand it as surrealism TV. Fuck all people like or understand surrealism anyway so the chances are nobody would watch it.


9-Cancer. This is the easiest one so far. If we euthanize anybody who might get cancer a few years before they actually get cancer we’ll solve the problem in one fell swoop.

10-Extreme weather patterns. I suggest we go back to a pantheistic philosophy and blame hurricanes and tornadoes  on Zeus or Apollo. We could then sacrifice Tea Party members and other delusional types(1%ers and Fox news believers) to appease the Gods. This would be great fun and provide wholesome family entertainment thus simultaneously replacing the need for reality TV. I’d love to see some of our climate denying politicians sacrificed to Poseidon whenever a natural disaster hits town or wipes out the national peach harvest.

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